Spacebook
by Sutori-Artifex
Summary: My own rendition of "NormandyNet" by LegionN7. The Concept belongs to him. I just threw in my own characters and dialogue albeit with some references here and there. (/s/8632681/1/NormandyNet)
1. Chapter 1

**((AUTHOR'S NOTE: I got an idea from the NormandyNet fanfiction here on . I loved it so much I couldn't resist making my own rendition. It was fricking headcanon for me. I linked the original NormandyNet in the Summary.))**

**Chat Handles:**  
**SheplooN7:** Commander John Shepard  
**FemShepN7:** Commander Jane Shepard  
**EDI:** EDI  
**Oriana:** Oriana (ANIMUS VI)  
**MiriLawXO:** Miranda Lawson

**JayTay21:** Jacob Taylor  
**PilotMoreau50:** Jeff "Joker" Moreau  
**RollingStone:** Crewman Rolston  
**GreatScot*:** Kenneth Donnelly  
**SmartAleck:** Crewman (Woman) Goldstein  
**TuffStuff:** Crewman Hawthorne  
**HoneyBunch:** Crewman (Woman) Patel  
**EngineGal22:** Gabriella Daniels  
**l337Sk33lz:** Crewman Hadley  
**BridgeBrother52:** Crewman Zach Matthews  
**KellyYeoman:** Kelly Chambers  
**1ManArmy:** Rupert Gardner  
**GoodDoctor:** Dr. Karin Chakwas

**Archangel42:** Garrus Vakarian  
**FlotillaGurl:** Tali'Zorah vas Neema/Normandy  
**ScientistSalarian:** Mordin Solus  
**IAMKROGAN:** Urdnot Grunt  
**PsychoticBiotic:** Jack  
**Samara:** Samara…  
**SilenceisGolden** Kasumi Goto  
**LoneSurvivor*:** Zaeed Massanni  
**KalaMonkira:** Thane Krios  
**Legi0n:** Legion  
**T00chankan42:** Urdnot Wrex  
** L2Alenko:** Kaidan Alenko  
** DogSquadLeader:** Ashley Williams

**EagleClaw88:** Alexander Clarke  
**Nightblade1337:** Kairee Antar  
**NoviceAsari:** Eleria T'Geya  
**FreddyCorado:** Frederico Corado  
**IruleThisPlace:** Lora Ban

*Taken from the original NormandyNet. 1/30/14

**NEW USERS: EDI, SheplooN7, MiriLawXO, JayTay21, PilotMoreau50, 1ManArmy, KellyYeoman, GoodDoctor, l337Sk33lz, BridgeBrother52, GreatScot, TuffStuff, HoneyBunch, EngineGal22, RollingStone.**  
**EDI:** Normandy Social Network initiated. John Shepard should explain the purpose of this system.  
**SheplooN7:** I asked EDI to create all of this as a gesture of Brotherhood. I want all of you to know that you are probably the luckiest ppl in Cerberus :3  
**KellyYeoman:** Awww, that's so sweet, Commander! Thx for taking a bit of the burden off of me. I keep getting a bunch of spam mail from this guy I met on the Citadel…  
**SheplooN7:** Call me John, Kelly  
**BridgeBrother52:** **** YES, FREEDOM TO USE EMOTICONS  
**TuffStuff:** lol. Dat Censor Dou.  
**EDI:** Put in place to prevent overuse of what is commonly deemed "innappropriate language".  
**MiriLawXO:** The Illusive Man isn't going to be pleased if this takes away from your Cyber Warfare capabilities.  
**EDI:** It will not. I have modeled the "website" after an old Human Social Media network known as "Facebook".  
**JayTay21:** Will this help us in any way besides downtime?  
**EDI:** Of Course. You will be able to put in requests for anything you require by sending a special message to one of our Admins on Site, or on Ship.  
**MiriLawXO:** Why am I not an Admin on the Site?  
**EDI:** Corrected. Welcome to the Administration Board, Miss Lawson.  
**SheplooN7:** We're being told to go to Freedom's Progress? Sounds Fun!

**JayTay21:** Yes, Commander, "Fun" counts as being attacked by Assassins and Quarian rednecks.  
**SheplooN7:** Shut up, I got to see Tali. She knows I'm alive nao  
**TuffStuff:** When did I get to that point in my life when seeing my Commanding Officer say "nao " became normal?  
**SheplooN7:** I made you a Social Network to chat. Please don't push your luck, Hawthorne.  
**1ManArmy:** I could use some help with the toilets, y'know… then I also have to make the crew Lunch. I could use the extra help  
**SheplooN7:** Noted, Mr. Gardner.  
**TuffStuff:** THERE'S THE GRAMMAR!  
**SheplooN7:** Strike Two, Grammar Nazi.  
**TuffStuff:** O_o"  
**MiriLawXO:** Heil Grammar. Hawthorne's right, Commander, we need to maintain a professional attitude as officers aboard the Normandy  
**SheplooN7:** Miranda, the entire point of this Social Network was to loosen up between missions. Y U NO UNPROFESSIONAL?  
**PilotMoreau50:** Oh my God, if Ashley could see you trolling these guys right now.  
**GoodDoctor:** I agree, let's all just have fun. If this is a "Suicide Mission", we might as well all die happy!  
**BridgeBrother52:** w00t!  
**MiriLawXO:** Fine. W00t.  
**JayTay21:** Needs improvement. I'm sure you'll get better at the whole "loosening up" thing.  
**SheplooN7:** So I met my Sis, Jane, while on Freedom's Progress!  
**GreatScot:** Is she Hot?  
**SheplooN7:** I'm not answering that.  
**GreatScot:** Bummer.  
**EngineGal22 (TO: GreatScot):** Shut up, Kenneth.  
**SheplooN7:** Heading to the Citadel. Feel free to slip in a few hours of Shore Leave while I pick some stuff up.

**NEW USERS: FemShepN7,SilenceisGolden, EagleClaw88, Nightblade1337, FreddyCorado, IruleThisPlace, NoviceAsari**

**FemShepN7:** Honey I'm Home!  
**PilotMoreau50:** Jane!  
**GoodDoctor:** I hope you haven't forgotten about me!  
**FemShepN7 (TO: PilotMoreau50, GoodDoctor):** Never in a million years C:  
**GreatScot:** So, Turian women DO have breasts? If only I knew…  
**Nightblade1337:** Excuse me?  
**EngineGal22 (TO: Nightblade1337):** Ignore Kenneth. He does that, and he doesn't care what species the subject of his "conversations" are.  
**Nightblade1337:** I'll make sure to keep my distance then… ( ._.)  
**IruleThisPlace:** The Crew keeps giving me weird looks. Am I the first Volus they've ever seen?  
**MiriLawXO:** No, but you're the first one we've seen fit for Combat situations of the Brotherhood's caliber.  
**FreddyCorado:** Actually, sweety, I think the looks are directed at the both of us.  
**JayTay21:** HOL' UP. SWEETY?  
**FreddyCorado:** Is it wrong to believe that love knows no species?  
**JayTay21:** No…? Sorry, that just came as a shock to me, .  
**FreddyCorado:** I'm watching you, Cerberus.  
**HoneyBunch:** Hey, whoa, Cerberus isn't all bad you know. I'm just here for Humanity. I couldn't care less about this "Assassin-Templar" war. How long have you guys been sissy fighting over how to tell people what to do?  
**EagleClaw88:** Excuse me?! If thousands of years of brutal espionage and war over the fate of Humanity, with the skill that the Legends had, and the power that the Pieces of Eden possessed, is a little "sissy fight" for dominant philosophy, World War II was a staring contest between two-year olds.  
**HoneyBunch:** Well now that I have the details. Miranda always told me that the information was classified whenever I asked.  
**TuffStuff, BridgeBrother52, 1ManArmy, YeomanKelly, SmartAleck, RollingStone, l337Sk33lz:** Same here.  
**EagleClaw88:** There you have it. Templars keep a lot of secrets.  
**NoviceAsari:** Do we keep secrets?  
**EagleClaw88:** Well of course, I mean both factions are Secret Societies only vaguely known about, but we don't go and hide the number of ****ing Cells we operate in… -_-  
**MiriLawXO:** HEY, that's a matter of Galactic Security!  
**SheplooN7:** ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH, ALL OF YOU. While we're here preparing to hit OMEGA, you guys ARE having a sissy fight!  
**EagleClaw88:** You don't own me.  
**SheplooN7:** That is Correct. But I do own this Ship. And the Airlock that comes with it. You want to try me?  
**PilotMoreau50:** Renegade +5!  
**TuffStuff:** No thanks, I just got done watching that James Bond movie while eating some of Gardner's "Shrimp Surprise". Not too into the whole exploding human bit.  
**SheplooN7, FemShepN7, EagleClaw88, Nightblade1337:** Wait, what?  
**GoodDoctor:** As a Doctor in Space, it's common knowledge that it's all in the pressurization of the subject and a vacuum. I'll spare you the details. Just watch **this** vid. It's last week's execution of a weapons smuggler on the Citadel. The punishment for the crime of Weapons Smuggling is being spaced.  
**TuffStuff:** Is anyone in the Crew Head?  
**RollingStone:** Beat ya too it… BRB while I puke. O_O  
**SheplooN7:** Thank SWEET BEHBEH JESUS that wasn't what happened to me O_o  
**FemShepN7:** You guys hear that? I just heard our content rating go up.  
**KellyYeoman:** What are you talking about? LOL it's not Mature Content until somebody brings up a paragraph's worth of description on that guy's final moments in his POV.  
**FemShepN7:** * Blinks *  
**KellyYeoman:** As a Psychologist, I know what parts of Reality constitute the Mature Content group.  
**SheplooN7:** What Mature Content label…?  
**FemShepN7:** Forget I said anything.  
**SheplooN7:** So I take it the Airlock is a no-go?  
**FemShepN7:** Yep :3

**NEW USERS: ScientistSalarian, LoneSurvivor**

**ScientistSalarian:** Would like to thank you for the offer to come aboard. Excellent Lab space. Top of the Line equipment, friendly faces, and a Social Network to discuss my findings. Will enjoy my time here!  
**KellyYeoman:** Aww, I think it's kinda cute that you type how you talk :3  
**EagleClaw88:** Welcome aboard, Mr. Solus.  
**Nightblade1337:** ^ This.  
**ScientistSalarian:** Thank you, Mr. Clarke, Ms. Antar. Is there anything I can help you with? Advice?  
**Nightblade1337:** Advice…?  
**ScientistSalarian:** Relationship Advice. Much to learn about Levo/Dextro sexuality.  
**EagleClaw88:** Wait, are you implying…  
**Nightblade1337:** Spirits, how do I respond to that? :7  
**ScientistSalarian:** Oh? Not pursuing a romantic relationship with Mr. Clarke? My apologies.  
**SheplooN7:** This just got really awkward, really fast…  
**KellyYeoman (TO: SheplooN7, FemShepN7):** I dunno Commander, I think they could be an ADORABLE couple. * Squeee! *  
**LoneSurvivor:** I once had a fling with a Turian lass. We ended up getting attacked by these Goddamn thugs in white and red in our hotel room on Illium. I was the only one to walk out of there alive.  
**EagleClaw88:** Describe them further?  
**LoneSurvivor:** They broke through the window. Three of them. Two Asari and this one Human, black hair, blue eyes. Quite the fighter. He just jumped onto the bed and stabbed the turian in the neck. Spared me, for some reason…  
**EagleClaw88:** Sorry about that… 0-0  
**LoneSurvivor:** That was you? You sunnova…  
**LoneSurvivor:** Well played, smooth criminal. We'll have to chat in person, swap some more battle stories. You're a helluva warrior.  
**EagleClaw88:** I'll take you up on that offer. I'll get the Beer.

**NEW USER: IAMKROGAN**

**IAMKROGAN: Iam PYOOR KROGAN, I Wll REK nD rEavE HAVIK!**  
**GreatScot:** Oh, Mary, Jesus, Joseph help me… a Krogan on OUR deck!?  
**EngineGal22:** Might be pretty interesting.  
**LoneSurvivor:** I once killed a Krogan with nothing more than a rusty CQC knife. Turns out that if you wedge it into that thing on their heads in the right spot, you can peel the plate right off of their skull. The one thing that Krogan do fear…  
**IAMKROGAN:** Ah, yes, Okeer imprinted a memory of that while I was in the Tank-Mother. I'll be sure to keep my guard up…  
**SheplooN7:** You acclimatizing well?  
**IAMKROGAN:** Meh. I'm a bit hungry…  
**1ManArmy:** Well, John recently picked up some High-Quality rations from the Citadel last time we were there. We've got enough Fishdog Food Shack to last you the year.  
**IAMKROGAN:** MAKE ME SOME BARBECUE!  
**JayTay21:** Ha, I like this Krogan. HE understands!  
**FemShepN7:** I love how he also randomly learned to type after that initial raig.  
**IAMKROGAN:** I'm actually using this VI that the human, Gabriella, got me.

**NEW USER: PsychoticBiotic**

**PsychoticBiotic:** Alright, mother****ers, let's get this **** straight. You Cerberus *****es better watch yourselves. I will ****ing destroy you!  
**PsychoticBiotic:** What the **** is up with this ****ing censor? SHEPARD!  
**EDI:** This was the exact reason I put the censor up in the first place. Do not attempt to circumvent the censor or a 3 hour ban will be placed on the third infraction.  
**PsychoticBiotic:** $$ |-|311 D4 /\/\ /\/  
**[BAN IN PLACE FOR: PsychoticBiotic. 3 Hours]**  
**FreddyCorado:** LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.  
**KellyYeoman:** She didn't have that account for more than five minutes and she gets a three hour ban for foul language and circumventing the filter. This is going to be fun.  
**SilenceisGolden:** Read my Username, and you have my opinion on the matter.  
**NoviceAsari:** Silence is Golden, Duct Tape is Silver! :3  
**SilenceisGolden, Eagleclaw88, Nightblade1337:** Are you kidding me? Much too sloppy! -.-  
**NoviceAsari:** I was just making a joke… :c  
**PilotMoreau50:** I thought it was pretty funny, Eleria. (:  
**SheplooN7:** So now we just have to get Archangel… wonder who he could be?

**NEW USER: Archangel42**

**FemShepN7:** OMG, Garrus is Archangel?!  
**SheplooN7:** Surprised me just as much :/  
**Nightblade1337:** He took a missile to the face and survived with a scar… oms and that sexy scar…  
**EagleClaw88:** Umm?  
**Nightblade1337:** And you stood up for me back at Afterlife. How's your eye?  
**EagleClaw88:** Healing just fine, but I have a steak tied to my face. Thx Rupert  
**1ManArmy:** Pleasure to be of service.  
**Archangel42:** Ready for action, Commander. May I just say I like the Social Network you set up. Very entertaining.  
**SheplooN7:** Just happy to please you all. It's good to have you back, bro.  
**PilotMoreau50:** So we got Garrus back, that's GREAT! He was totally my favorite, with that pole up his ***…  
**Archangel42 (TO PilotMoreau50):** You do realize that, one, that was a joke between the SR-1 Ground Squad, and two, messages to friends of friends are visible?  
**PilotMoreau50:** Sorry O_O  
**NoviceAsari** lol what "Pole" and what does even mean? Is Garrus…  
**Archangel42:** UH, NO. Two years ago, I was in C-Sec. I guess I didn't really take my job that seriously…  
**FreddyCorado (TO: NoviceAsari):** It's a more rude way of saying "Head in the Clouds" or "Neck in the Sand" or something.  
**NoviceAsari:** Oh. Umm… Awkward…  
**SheplooN7:** Going to pretend I didn't read that.  
**JayTay21:** Anyone up for some Poker in Port Observation?  
**(GROUP: Cerberus Crewmen), (GROUP: Assassin's Brotherhood), SheplooN7, FemShepN7, LoneSurvivor:** See you in the PO deck in ten.  
**Archangel42:** Can it wait for a bit? I'm in the middle of some Calibrations. MAN this gun is OFF.  
**ScientistSalarian:** Not now. Trying to figure something out…  
**EagleClaw88:** Kairee, I'm sorry! I'm just not ready for a relationship! ESPECIALLY when we're headed to a Suicide Mission!  
**Nightblade1337:** WHY DID YOU SIGN US UP THEN!?  
**SheplooN7:** My fault. I didn't give the specifics of what we were going to do to the Collectors.  
**KellyYeoman:** D: SO CLOSE.  
**SheplooN7:** ?  
**BridgeBrother52:** Kelly and I made a bet. Kairee's destined to fall into SOMEBODY's arms. I think it's Garrus's. **#Kairus!**  
**KellyYeoman:** PFFT. **#Kailex!**  
**FemShepN7:** You guys seriously made hashtags on that?  
**JayTay21:** My money is on Kairus.  
**PilotMoreau50:** Kailex.

**SheplooN7:** We have to go to Horizon…  
**FemShepN7:** At least we know the Collectors are coming this time :l  
**MiriLawXO:** ^ This.  
**SheplooN7:** Remember the plan! Lora, take your team to get those guns online. Jane, find Kaidan and Ashley! We'll give the Collectors a run for their money!  
**Archangel42:** I volunteer as tribute!  
**(ALL):** Wut?  
**IruleThisPlace:** Kasumi, get your hands out of Frederico's pockets.  
**SilenceisGolden:** What, can't a Kleptomaniac have a little fun once in a while?  
**IruleThisPlace:** When the person you're pickpocketing is my boyfriend, my Human boyfriend, no, no you cannot.  
**SilenceisGolden:** LOOOOOOOOOL. I can't believe he hasn't noticed yet xD  
**FreddyCorado:** wat.

**NEW USERS: L2Alenko, DogSquadLeader**  
**FemShepN7:** Kaidan y are you so mean… :c  
**L2Alenko, DogSquadLeader:** WE'RE ON A CERBERUS SHIP, JANE.  
**SheplooN7:** If you seeeerrriously didn't want on board you'd have grown a pair and pulled a gun on Alexander, Kaidan.  
**EagleClaw88:** You just sat there and took it. I even quoted Jay-Z to diss you.  
**L2Alenko:** I'm sorry Jane… I haven't seen you in two years, and now Cerberus?  
**SheplooN7:** What I heard was that you were the one who distanced yourself to serve the Alliance full-time even after they tore the crew apart. We'll talk in the Port Observation deck. Make yourselves comfortable, old friends!

**Nightblade1337:** I HATE YOU ASHLEY!  
**EagleClaw88:** Kairee? Kairee?! What happened?!  
**DogSquadLeader:** I said some things I really shouldn't have. God damn me, I was so immature ;-;  
**Nightblade1337:** Thanks for the talk, Alex… I love you… 3  
**KellyYeoman:** YYEEEEESSS! OH! PAY UP, MATTHEWS!  
**BridgeBrother52:** Fine… 1000 credits your way…  
**JayTay21:** Damn, do I have to pay up?  
**KellyYeoman:**  
**PilotMoreau50:** KAILEX!  
**EagleClaw88:** Ignore them. Are you okay, sweety?  
**Nightblade1337:** Yeah, I'm fine. But um…  
**Nightblade1337 (TO: EagleClaw88):** Can I sleep in your quarters tonight?  
**EagleClaw88:** Fair enough. Contrary to what I initially believed, I think this Suicide Mission has actually made me realize my love for you. We've known each other for years in the Brotherhood. Together Forever?  
**Nightblade1337:** Forever. :,)  
**(ALL):** D'AAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!  
**PsychoticBiotic:** I'll give you two a round of applause.

**JayTay21:** Commander, I have some Daddy-Issues I need help with.  
**MiriLawXO:** Commander, I have some Daddy-Issues I need help with.  
**IAMKROGAN:** Shepard, I have some Born-Without-A-Father Issues I need help with.  
**ScientistSalarian:** Shepard, I have some Being-A-Father-esque Issues I need help with.  
**PsychoticBiotic:** Shepard, I have some Cerberus-Stole-My-Childhood Issues I need help with.  
**L2Alenko:** Shepard, I have some Mercenaries-Holding-My-Daddy-For-Ransom issues I need help with.  
**DogSquadLeader:** Shepard, I have some Traitor-Issues I need help with.  
**LoneSurvivor:** Shepard, you still haven't dealt with my Vido-Issues.  
**SilenceisGolden:** Shepard, you still haven't dealt with my dead-boyfriend issues.  
**Archangel42:** Shepard, I have some dead-squad issues stemming from Daddy-Issues I need help with…  
**SheplooN7:** Anyone ELSE with Daddy Issues? My daddy divorced mommy and got killed by Batarian slavers.  
**FemShepN7:** Still too soon. ;-;  
**FemShepN7:** BTW, I have some Templar-Issues I need help with.  
**FreddyCorado, IruleThisPlace:** Shepard, we have some Assassin-Traitors-Stealing-Our-Idea issues we need help with.  
**NoviceAsari:** Shepard, I have some Daddy-Issues I need help with…  
**SheplooN7:** ALRIGHT, JESUS CHRIST. First, we need to recruit the rest of the team… Next stop, Illium!  
**MiriLawXO:** About those Daddy Issues? Yeah, I need to go to Illium. You up?  
**SheplooN7:** Fine, I'm helping Miranda first, but ONLY because of the conveniency!  
**MiriLawXO:** YAY! Don't worry Oriana, I'm coming!

**NEW USERS: KalaMonkira, Samara, Oriana (ANIMUS 5.7 VI)**

**EagleClaw88:** Thanks Miranda… you got me a chair…  
**Samara:** I suppose that this site is worth some spare time. The Code says nothing about blogging…  
**JayTay21:** I have a feeling you're just making "The Code" up as you go along…  
**SheplooN7:** I'll have to agree with Jacob on this. The Code takes up every topic down to what color of nail polish you can use and yet nothing on blogging? Suspicious… _  
**FemShepN7:** lol what?  
**NoviceAsari:** Been a while since I've posted. And the Justicar Code has existed for thousands of years, btw. I'd watch yourselves around Samara.  
**KalaMonkira:** Strange, that I find myself in Assassin colors once more. I remember every moment I spent in the Brotherhood perfectly, but I never anticipated returning after so long.  
**EagleClaw88:** Good to hear. Please stay away from Kairee for the time being, though. We're treating the bruise you gave her :C  
**Nightblade1337:** Spirits, this really stings!  
**GoodDoctor:** Well if you would have sat still, I'd have applied the medication correctly!  
**EagleClaw88:** Aww… poor baby. Do you need a hug, Kairee? :3  
**Nightblade1337:** Thanks. #^_^# I'll meet you in your quarters.  
**PilotMoreau50:** Hey, you guys know that vid I posted? SCP: Nightmare?  
**SheplooN7:** I remember it well o.O"  
**PilotMoreau50:** Alex offered to find me this reeeaaally old game, Amnesia: The Dark Descent. Does anyone want to give it a whirl when we acquire it?  
**PsychoticBiotic:** Don't break your legs on a jump-scare, brittle-boy.  
**Archangel42:** Jack, you're just plain mean…  
**SheplooN7:** Gotta go to Haestrom. I heard Tali was there  
**Archangel42:** Tali?! PLEASE let me go along!  
**L2Alenko:** I wouldn't mind sayin' hey to her as well!  
**DogSquadLeader:** Hey, I can take a team to help the Quarian Marines by the observatory. We'll paradrop. Alex, Kairee, mind helpin' us out with that?  
**SheplooN7:** Alright, but Jane is in charge of that fireteam. I'll bring Kaidan and Garrus to find Tali.

**NEW USER: FlotillaGurl**  
**FlotillaGurl:** It's good to be back on the Normandy…  
**GreatScot:** I'll say… my Morale's definitely increased…  
**FlotillaGurl:** Hrm?  
**GreatScot:** Lovin' the suit. Quite snug in all the right places.  
**SheplooN7:** Shut up Kenny. Tali, if he gives you any trouble in engineering, just give me a call.  
**FlotillaGurl:** Will do, Shepard. Oh and, btw, I have some Daddy-Issues I need help with… hehe…  
**SheplooN7:** * Explosive Facepalm *  
**KalaMonkira:** I have some Being-A-Daddy-Issues I need help with.  
**Samara:** I have some Being-A-Mommy-Issues I need help with.  
**KalaMonkira (TO: Samara):** You too?  
**Samara (TO: KalaMonkira):** Ardat-Yakshi.  
**KalaMonkira (TO: Samara):** Hanging out with Criminals. Would you like to head to the Port Observation Deck for a more private conversation?  
**Samara:** I would enjoy that.  
**FemShepN7:** OMG, the Justicar emoticons!

**SheplooN7:** Sorry to hold off on the Daddy-Issue resolutions, but we just got invited to a Halloween masquerade. Who's up for it?  
**(GROUP: Ground Squad), (GROUP: Assassin's Brotherhood), (GROUP: Cerberus Crewmen):** YES!

**EagleClaw88:** I'm inside the Grand Cultural Expo, using my Omnitool. Oh Lawd, this place is amazing! The Venetian Ballroom is simply exquisite!  
**Nightblade1337:** ***** is hitting on my man… -.-  
**FlotillaGurl:** Some racists just never shut up.  
**TuffStuff:** You mean, like these Terra Firma jerks picketing the Masquerade?  
**SheplooN7:** NOOOO GOD. NO GOD PLEASE NO, NO! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
**NoviceAsari:** wtf?  
**FreddyCorado:** Aw ****… The Terra Firma are here. These guys are like the Westboro Baptist Church for Racism.  
**IruleThisPlace:** What are we lookin' at?  
**FreddyCorado:** Parodies of songs with racist lyrics about why God hates alien species, why Humans are superior and should stand alone, picket signs with absurd hate-text, rude gestures, etc.  
**NoviceAsari:** So I'm an Asari, and God hates me because I'm Asari?  
**(Group: Humans of Normandy!):** Yep.  
**Nightblade1337:** And God hates me because I'm a "Pagan, Skull-Faced, Slimy Turian *****?"  
**(Group: Humans of Normandy!):** Affirmative.  
**Nightblade1337:** Which brings me to my next question.  
**Nightblade1337:** 50 Grand, can I get into Heaven?  
**(ALL):** ROFL.

**KellyYeoman:** Awwww, they posted Alex and Kairee's dance on the Extranet! They look SO CUTE! XD  
**Honeybunch:** SSSQUUEEEEEEEE!  
**SmartAleck:** I'll admit, for a Turian/Human couple, they're pretty sweet.  
**SheplooN7:** I'm an official Assassin  
**(Group: Assassin's Brotherhood):** Welcome, Brother.  
**SheplooN7:** Thx. Now, let's resolve some daddy-issues  
**JayTay21:** I can haz help?

**SheplooN7:** That was a disturbing mission ;-;  
**LoneSurvivor:** A makeshift colony full of Goddamn Retards and a 50 something year old, grown man, playing make-believe like he's a castaway from a Nursery Rhyme. Not something you see everyday, and that was new even for me. (And Alexander assassinated a a Turian while I was in bed with her, long before I even knew him…)  
**EagleClaw88:** Still can't let that one go?  
**Oriana:** Clarke, Alexander, you are expected in Miranda's office as soon as possible. We are to begin your first real experience with the Animus 5.7!  
**EagleClaw88:** Let's get this overwith.

**FemShepN7:** You're welcome, Zaeed, for helping you kill Vido.  
**LoneSurvivor:** Yeah, thanks. I was thinkin' about what I did to the refinery.  
**SheplooN7:** You're lucky that I went to put out the fires. -_-  
**PsychoticBiotic:** Dat Hero Complex…  
**FlotillaGurl:** I think it was really heroic of him… * sighs *  
**l337Sk33lz:** Ooooh, John I think she likes yooouuu…

**SilenceisGolden:** Thanks, Shep! Thanks for letting me keep the greybox. It means a lot to me…  
**SheplooN7:** No problem, Kasumi. One helluva heist!  
**Nightblade1337:** You didn't rob a bank, did you?  
**SheplooN7:** NO!  
**EagleClaw88:** No. They went and recovered a greybox that belonged to Kasumi's late partner, Keiji.  
**SilenceisGolden:** :,C  
**FemShepN7:** Awww, I'm so sorry for your loss.  
**IAMKROGAN:** WHAT ABOUT MY ISSUES?!  
**SheplooN7:** Hey, Patience, Grunt! I'm going to get to you eventually!  
**MiriLawXO:** Shouldn't we be getting the Reaper IFF?!  
**SheplooN7:** Hail Naw! Install a REAPER device into our ship and leave to do a flipton of missions? I think we should only risk that after we're ALL prepared. :l  
**(ALL):** Good Point.

**SheplooN7:** I almost got banged by an Asari Sex-Vampire D:  
**GreatScot:** Why didn't you bring me along!?  
**EngineGal22:** You realize that the Soul-Sucker would have killed you in an instant, right?  
**GreatScot:** I withdraw my complaint.  
**Samara:** I must thank you, John, for helping me to kill my daughter.  
**Archangel42:** You seem so calm about killing your own flesh and blood… o.O  
**Samara:** It had to be done.  
**RollingStone:** What if I have to kill my own daughter? D:  
**HoneyBunch:** Unless she becomes a husk, is indoctrinated, or a SEX VAMPIRE, I doubt you'll have to :3

**Archangel42:** Hey, Jane, thanks for the help with Sidonis. That elusive bastard had it coming for what he did to my squad!  
**FemShepN7:** Anything for you, Garrus… Umm, can I ask you something?  
**Archangel42:** Yes?  
**FemShepN7:** Do you have any time to spare? I'd like to come visit in the main battery… I have some questions…  
**Archangel42:** Oh… Umm, sure… I wouldn't mind…

**KalaMonkira:** John, thank you again and again for helping me put Kolyat back on the right path… you've made this dying man feel… much better about his life…  
**SheplooN7:** You're our friend, Thane, and an Assassin. Brothers can't leave a fellow Brother down.  
**EagleClaw88:** Preach, brothah, preeaaaaach!

**FlotillaGurl:** Keelah, John, thank you so much! ThankYouThankYouThankYou!  
**EagleClaw88:** Gimme the Deetz :3  
**FlotillaGurl:** I was tried for TREASON. HOW CRAZY IS THAT?! Well, anyways, John and Garrus came to my trial, helped me kill some Geth, and got me exonerated :3  
**SheplooN7:** I'd do anything for you, Tali.  
**FlotillaGurl:** Can you come down to Engineering?  
**SheplooN7:** Already there. I was just talkin' to Zaeed.  
**LoneSurvivor:** I can vouch for him. I was just explaining to him just why the M920 Cain is the best Goddamn heavy weapon that any true man could ask for.

**DogSquadLeader:** We're headed down to pound an Alliance traitor.  
**L2Alenko:** DO WANT.  
**PsychoticBiotic:** I'm on a mutha****ing diversion team… why?  
**EagleClaw88:** Keep Calm and start diverting.  
**Nightblade1337:** Heading up to the roof to find a way in.  
**PsychoticBiotic:** TIMBER! Hey, Zaeed, you got any stories regarding trees?  
**LoneSurvivor:** Yeah, I got five of 'em. Why?  
**PsychoticBiotic:** Just jumped a patrol of Blue Suns. Smashed three with a tree and warped the rest. Made this one guy's head implode  
**LoneSurvivor:** And you were the only one to walk away?  
**PsychoticBiotic:** You know it.  
**LoneSurvivor:** I'm so Proud of you… :,l  
**TuffStuff:** **#manlytears**…  
**Archangel42, FreddyCorado, JayTay21, IAMKROGAN, ScientistSalarian, RollingStone, GreatScot, LoneSurvivor, KalaMonkira, l337Sk33lz, BridgeBrother52, 1ManArmy, PilotMoreau50, SheplooN7, EagleClaw88:** Damn Straight.

**EagleClaw88:** Haven't heard from Kairee in a while…  
**PilotMoreau50:** Damn you worry about her so much…  
**EagleClaw88:** What if something happened to her  
**BridgeBrother52:** Okay, listen very, very carefully to what I am about to tell you.  
**EagleClaw88:** Yes?!  
**BridgeBrother52:** Hand in your Man-Card, and Imma need you to shave yer Face.  
**EagleClaw88:** -_-

**SheplooN7:** WE ARE BACK!  
**DogSquadLeader:** Thanks for helping me take down the traitor.  
**SheplooN7:** Np, Ash. Hey, Miranda wants to talk to you in her office.  
**MiriLawXO:** About John. We never put anything like a Control-Chip in him. As overseer of the Lazarus Project, I should know, and what Bruce claimed was in direct contradiction of the data he so desperately wanted to pawn off to the Collectors through the Blue Suns.  
**DogSquadLeader:** I figured when I saw the little print in bold about TIM banning the use of any mind-altering cybernetics and stuff…  
**(GROUP: Cerberus Crewmen), MiriLawXO, JayTay21:** TIM?  
**SheplooN7:** The Illusive Man.  
**Nightblade1337:** I've been gagged, drugged, tied to stuff, and I almost got raped by a mercenary whilst standing upright, chained to a support beam. I've had a bad day. That's an understatement.  
**GreatScot:** Damn. The One time that I'm upset to hear something along those lines. I hope you gave the poor scunner what he deserved.  
**Nightblade1337:** If a knife in the brain isn't punishment enough I don't know what is.  
**EagleClaw88:** Sorry I hadn't come sooner.  
**Nightblade1337:** It's okay. You did what you had to for the mission, but you came to my rescue anyways. Spirits, this headache is only going to get worse… I'm going to take a shower real quick, k?  
**EagleClaw88:** Kk.  
**Nightblade1337:** Ur taking 1 with me ;3  
**EagleClaw88:** Even Better. ^_^  
**GreatScot:** And we're back! Hey, Alex, take some pictures for me, will ya?  
**EagleClaw88:** Hell no!  
**Nightblade1337:** Looks like you're out of luck, Kenneth. Alexander?  
**EagleClaw88:** Be right over, sweetheart.  
**l337Sk33lz:** Is anyone else a little turned on by this?  
**TuffStuff:** Fine… I'll confess…  
**l337Sk33lz:** Kinda like sexy Roleplaying on Chatzy. You might think it's an Asari dancer, but we all know it's just some bored Volus, or a Salarian who lost a bet. Disgusting… Okay, all better.  
**IruleThisPlace:** HEY! We're not disgusting! If you're implying we're slimy or green or something, I can tell you right now you are horribly mistaken, BUDDY.  
**FreddyCorado:** What do you look like under there?  
**ScientistSalarian:** Will explain. Frederico, please report to the lab in 30. Alexander, before your… ahem, how would you like this to be phrased?  
**EagleClaw88:** Date? Idk…  
**TuffStuff:** Mmm… I guess you can say it'll be pretty… steamy…  
**LoneSurvivor:** I should pop you just for that horrible joke.  
**TuffStuff:** lol Gangster slang right?  
**LoneSurvivor:** What do you think?

**_END TRANSCRIPTS 1/30/14_**


	2. Chapter 2

3/25/14

**GreatScot:** So, did you enjoy your little date, Alex?  
**EagleClaw88:** Why should I tell you?  
**GreatScot:** I want to know.  
**EagleClaw88:** In your dreams, buddy.  
**GreatScot:** If only my imagination were that good… wait, I'm getting something… maybe my imagination IS that vivid!  
**EagleClaw88:** Imma straight light you on fire.  
**LoneSurvivor:** I'll get the camera.  
**FemShepN7:** HE'S GOING TO KILL KENNY! YOU *******!  
**GreatScot:** YOU FOOL, NOT EVEN FIRE CAN SILENCE ME!  
**ScientistSalarian:** It burns nicely! ^.^

**PilotMoreau50:** Dude, wtf?  
**KellyYeoman:** Kinky.  
**l337Sk33lz:** I'm going to pretend I didn't read that and continue eating.

**Oriana:** Clarke, Alexander. It is time to return to the Animus.  
**EagleClaw88:** Cool. BRT.  
**Oriana:** Processing… BRT: Batarian Rocket Trooper? Are we under attack?  
**MiriLawXO:** Uhhhmmmm…  
**Oriana:** BRT: Buffalo Ranch Tray?  
**Archangel42:** Dafuq is a Buffalo Ranch?  
**Oriana:** BRT: Breakfast Rendezvous at Tiffany's?  
**MiriLawXO:** WHHHYYYYYYY?!  
**EDI:** So we have established who the superior AI aboard the Normandy is. I "like" it. Also, the reference to "Breakfast at Tiffany's" by Deep Blue Something was bad, and you should feel bad.  
**EagleClaw88:** What have I started…? I just said "Be Right There"!  
**Oriana:** My Mistake.  
**PilotMoreau50:** Wait, WHOA, we already have EDI, but now we have ANOTHER AI in the ship?! Wait no, clearly it's stupid enough to just be a VI. Carry on

**TuffStuff:** Okay I need to know, RIGHT NOW. Alex, Kairee, you two weren't in the Crew Bathrooms right? The showers have no walls or doors… and uhh… the rooms are separated by Gender…  
**GreatScot:** WHY WASN'T I THERE?! I COULD HAVE RECORDED THAT MYSELF!  
**Nightblade1337:** Okay, one: Ssshhh, Pervert, Ssshhh. And Two: Ground-Squad members of the team have their own cabins. With bathrooms. They are hardly as big as John's Captain's Cabin though. Just a bed, the bathroom, and three footlockers. One for clothes, one for personal items, and one for our weapons. The bathrooms, in terms of size, are about the size of a sauna. The showers are HIGH-TECH THOUGH. MINDBLOWINGLY ADVANCED. Points to you Cerbs for that  
**GreatScot:** Ooohhhh, tight spaces, I see how it must have been.  
**EagleClaw88:** Frederico, Your mission, should you choose to accept it: Eliminate Kenny.  
**SheplooN7:** Hold on, you guys go from super-awkward "Can't do this when we're on a Suicide Mission" to "Sharing Showers" in the span of weeks?  
**PsychoticBiotic:** I eagerly await your response… huehuehueh…  
**KellyYeoman:** Exactly. We're on a Suicide Mission. If we're all likely going to die, they should spend what little time we have left, together. From what I've heard it has taken them years to break each other's barriers and finally notice that they love each other. What did it? An assignment of questionable detail with a survivability rate in single digits. I believe that the two are allowing an escalation to their relationship because they both have a long history together, ergo already have the "ice-breaker" and "getting-to-know-you" phases of dating out of the way… and if we ran the sim correctly they should each have a 9% chance of making it out of the Collector Base alive…  
**EagleClaw88:** Thanks… Kelly… _  
**Nightblade1337:** Idk… hit the nail on the head, or however you humans say it…

**EagleClaw88:** Got in the Animus. It bugged out and wouldn't let me start any memories so I just got used to Eldar's inexperience and killed some guards with a shiv, in Sandbox Mode. 'Twas fun, running around as a crazy Russian Teenager with a crap-*** knife, pwning inept authorities and making merry. Ahhh, the good ole days of the Brotherhood… ;.)  
**MiriLawXO:** We should have it functioning soon.  
**HoneyBunch:** Congratulations. You're a bonafide serial-killer. Sleep well tonight.  
**EagleClaw88:** kthxbai. :l

**KellyYeoman:** So, since we're kinda on a lull in terms of mission activity, anybody wanna have a girl's night out? I can try to get John to take us to Illium!  
**DogSquadLeader:** What did you have in mind?  
**KellyYeoman:** Oh idk… just get some Martinis and have a night in Nos Astra doing whatever.  
**MiriLawXO:** Am I invited?  
**PsychoticBiotic:** She better not be.  
**DogSquadLeader:** That's up to Kelly.  
**FlotillaGurl:** What else will we be doing?  
**GreatScot:** Compare bust sizes?  
**HoneyBunch:** SHUT. UP. Kenneth! …although if we were, Kairee would already have lost.  
**Nightblade1337:** HEY! Wait… WHY does that bother me that you said that?!  
**EagleClaw88:** I'm feeling the strangest I have ever felt in my life. I can either back Kairee up and look like Kenneth or say nothing and look like a bad boyfriend.  
**SheplooN7:** My Advice: Don't announce that. Because doing nothing is just that. Nothing. Your only other actual option is to compliment Kairee's bosom which, even suggesting to do so makes you look like a perv. Congratz, O' mighty Assassin.  
**EagleClaw88:** Hey, since we're bringing the Brotherhood into this: I OUTRANK YOU… NOVICE!  
**Nightblade1337:** It's the thought that counts, baby. * wink *.  
**TuffStuff:** Can you two lovebirds just quit the flirting/sexytiemz-implications or just stop posting altogether, please?  
**EagleClaw88:** Umad bro?  
**TuffStuff:** Mad/Jealous about having a girlfriend that could put me into anaphylactic shock? Nah bro. Good try though  
**PilotMoreau50:** Silly Plebs not understanding the **#Kailex** dynamic.  
**NoviceAsari:** So… Nos Astra?  
**IRuleThisPlace:** Oh Yeah. I definitely need a little break.  
**Nightblade1337:** Count me in -_-

**JayTay21:** Yeaah, two can play at THAT game. So there's this football game goin' on if anyone wants to catch it!  
**L2Alenko:** Who against who?  
**EDI:** Allow me… "A GA-FL (Galactic American-Football League) Football game between the London Regulars and the Boston Patriots. North-American Conference rules."  
**FreddyCorado:** Aww… it's not football? "Soccer", for you ignorant UNAS American rednecks.  
**EagleClaw88:** ROFLMAO. IS ANYONE ELSE SEEING THAT GAME THE WAY I AM?  
**PilotMoreau50:** What's so special about it? "London Regulars and Boston Patriots…"  
**PilotMoreau50:** …  
**PilotMoreau50:** Oh wait… LOL! The Revolutionary War, Pigskin Edition!"  
**Archangel42:** Fill me in… what's the joke?  
**L2Alenko:** 400 something years ago, Great Britain (The _London_ Regulars in this instance) had 13 Colonies along the eastern coast of the North-American Continent back on Earth. They rebelled and broke free, forming the United States of America. More recently they absorbed Canada (**** IT! ) and Mexico and became the United North American States.  
**KalaMonkira:** I was already aware of this time in Human History. The Legends "Ratonhnhaké:ton" or "Connor Kenway", and Benjamin Martin* were vital individuals in Patriot success. Colonel Tavington got what was coming to him via Bayonet in the windpipe from Benjamin. Banastre Tarleton and Cornwallis escaped Connor however.  
*(A/N: Yes. I threw in Mel Gibson's "The Patriot" because reasons.)

**Archangel42:** I'll watch the game but I won't get squat about the "hilarity" of the team names.  
**ScientistSalarian:** Human Sporting Entertainment. Should be interesting to view. I'll be there.  
**JayTay21:** Don't bring your whole LAB over here. Not like you'll get sweat samples or anything like that… the Game itself is on Earth.  
**LoneSurvivor:** Don't underestimate that toad. He got a blood sample off of me and I didn't even notice.  
**SheplooN7:** So THAT'S why I felt lightheaded yesterday…  
**IAMKROGAN:** Touch me and you will PERISH, Salarian!  
**EagleClaw88:** Mordin… you're already wearing White and Red… can we call you a Brother and get that overwith?

**FredericoCorado:** AAWWWW SNAP. Okay, just putting this out there for y'all: Human, Patriot QB Geraldo Vasquez handed the ball to Krogan, Patriot HB Urdnot Kyrz, who made a touchdown across the entire field. He LITERALLY ran from the Patriot's endzone to the Regular's endzone.  
**EagleClaw88:** **** YES 'MURICA!  
**GreatScot:** Whatever. We're still beating you, 21-49. No way you'll catch up with the REGULARS.  
**TuffStuff:** Kenneth… that's 49-21. The Regulars are losing.  
**GreatScot:** Aw No. It's Saratoga all over again.  
**l337Sk33lz:** BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE, FOOL!

**Archangel42:** Good game. Kenneth, pay the man (men).  
**[CREDITS SENT OVER SPACEBOOK: 100 TO: EagleClaw88, 100 TO: JayTay21, 100 TO: Kalamonkira, 100 TO: FreddyCorado, 100 TO: l337Sk33lz, 100 TO: TuffStuff, 200 TO: SheplooN7, 200 TO: PilotMoreau50, 250 TO: L2Alenko SENDER: GreatScot & LoneSurvivor.**  
**LoneSurvivor:** I still can't believe Vasquez did a better job than Luther Granger.  
**JayTay21:** Granger sucks, brah. Got tackled HARD by Jurdon Kairne. Got pulled outta the game for torsion a la 'pair' or as Kairne would put it, 'Quad'.  
**GreatScot:** NEVER say that again! Ref' should have called a foul!

**FlotillaGurl:** We have returned!  
**FemShepN7:** That… was a hell of a party.  
**MiriLawXO:** WHY DOES THE PORT OBSERVATION DECK LOOK LIKE A HURRICANE BLEW THROUGH IT!? THERE IS NACHO CHEESE ON THE *CEILING*.  
**JayTay21:** Reading some News Reports from Nos Astra. Some criminals and executives were found dead, reports of female drunkards running around playing Vigilante. Got something to say?  
**MiriLawXO:** Sins forgiven… and that was Samara, Gabby, Ashley, Kairee, Lora, Eleria, and Jack.  
**DogSquadLeader:** We met with some Assassins who helped us out. Now there are five fewer greedy corporates in the city!  
**EagleClaw88:** You meet Desian while we were there?  
**NightBlade1337:** Yeah! Did you know that he became a Veteran Assassin since our last encounter?  
**FreddyCorado:** ****, girl. He's tied with you!  
**IRuleThisPlace:** Hey, Kairee's deserving of MASTER Assassin you know. We just haven't talked with the Citadel Assassins in forever.  
**SheplooN7:** You girls had fun…  
**EagleClaw88 (TO: NightBlade1337):** You got drunk?  
**NightBlade1337 (TO: EagleClaw88):** Yeah. Turian-made whiskey of the Scotch variety. I think I had a bit too much… Still recovering from the hangover.  
**EagleClaw88:** D:  
**EagleClaw88:** Do you need anything, baby?  
**NightBlade1337:** Ugh, I could just requisition an icepack on the site, but… since you offered. :3 * blows kiss *  
**EngineGal22:** These two are… seriously, too cute.  
**GreatScot:** Scotch for Turians eh? Yeeaaah. I like a woman who knows her liquor!  
**EagleClaw88:** Shut it, Kenny. You already made several passes at Kairee and the only reason you didn't find a Blade through your throat was because the rest of the crew would have tossed me out the airlock.  
**PilotMoreau50:** Renegade +5!  
**KalaMonkira:** Must you say "Renegade +5" every time one of us makes a threat towards another?  
**PilotMoreau50:** 'Dunno actually :l

**_END TRANSCRIPTS 3/25/14_** 4/14/14

**PilotMoreau50:** I just posted our Call of Duty game on the Extranet. Anybody see it yet?  
**SheplooN7:** You are a gaming GOD, Joker.  
**L2Alenko:** I didn't know you had skill in video gaming. I'm glad I came aboard!  
**JayTay21:** That was a GOOD game too. Felt great.  
**EagleClaw88:** I feel kinda bad about "killing" Russians, seeing as how the only Ancestor I've really experienced the memories of was a Russian…  
**Nightblade1337:** That explains your PRICELESS Bleeding-Effect issue on Sanves. He was all like "KHVATIT, OSTANOVIT' ETOT BRED!"  
**Samara:** I fail to see the humor in such an occurrence.  
**EagleClaw88:** I don't speak a word of Russian.  
**KalaMonkira:** There were rumors of David Cross accidentally succumbing the to Bleeding Effect and speaking the Russian of Nikolai Orelov.  
**NoviceAsari:** Who and Who?  
**FemShepN7:** Cross was a traitor who killed the Mentor back in the early 2000s, and Nikolai Orelov was a deserter. He isn't canonized as a Legend, mainly for his desertion, murder of another Assassin, and his part in the Tunguska-Siberia explosion.  
**NoviceAsari:** So how does Thane know that? He's not even human.  
**KalaMonkira:** To become a full-fledged Master Assassin and gain all the powers that come with it, it is REQUIRED that you pass a test on Assassin-Templar history. As I have perfect memory, I passed with flying colors.  
**EagleClaw88:** It is a terrible shame that you abandoned us before you could apply to lead a Den. Kahje could have used you. That Chapter's Master had been killed shortly before you passed your test.  
**SilenceisGolden:** My Brain hurts, Sensei. STAHP WITH THE KNOWLEDGE!

**NEW USERS: T00chankan42**  
**T00chankan42:** Shepards.  
**SheplooN7:** Wrex.  
**FemShepN7:** Wrex. 3  
**T00chankan42:** Shepards.  
**IAMKROGAN:** Shep-errrr-err-errrd!  
**SheplooN7:** Wrex. Grrrr-uunnn-uunnn-unt!  
**FreddyCorado:** Do they normally do this?  
**L2Alenko:** Oh yes. This was their THING.  
**DogSquadLeader:** OH MY GOD. THE TEAM IS BACK TOGETHER ;-;  
**PilotMoreau50:** IKR!? IT'S JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!  
**FlotillaGurl:** I know what U mean :3  
**GoodDoctor:** Only Liara isn't here… you think we can try to get her aboard?  
**FemShepN7:** Please No.  
**DogSquadLeader:** wat.  
**L2Alenko:** dafuq?  
**FemShepN7:** She somehow became a sadistic creeper in the span of two years. Information Broker. She's even quoting Benezia.  
**SheplooN7:** Can I take a guess and said she threatened to "Flay [someone] alive… with [her] MIND"?  
**FemShepN7:** NAILED IT!  
**L2Alenko:** Ew. Okay, I see why. She got real creepy and business-like…  
**EagleClaw88:** She isn't THAT bad. I paid her to send a Templar Grand-Master a link to "Two Asari, One Cup". It worked o3o  
**Nightblade1337:** Did you really!? O_O  
**PilotMoreau50:** … Gross. But AWESOME PRANK BRO.  
**MiriLawXO:** Do you have any idea how immature that is? The Templars are fighting to RID the Galaxy of abominations like that! WHY would you resist progress?!  
**DogSquadLeader:** Keep it shut, Cerberus. I think the Brotherhood has the right idea, even though I'll agree that the prank was immature.  
**T00chankan42:** I think the Crewmen here are a little uncomfortable to see me.  
**IAMKROGAN:** They fear us. As they should.  
**SheplooN7:** They don't understand our Bro-gan dynamic.  
**T00chankan42:** Brogan. That's a new one.

**FlotillaGurl:** Thanks guys for helping me with Lia'Vael. :,)  
**SheplooN7:** I said I'd do anything for you Tali. \o/  
**Nightblade1337:** Just got back from the Bureau. Lia'Vael couldn't stop stuttering. She joined though, and we gave her a fancy new envirosuit and her first hot-meal in ages. Beat that, Temp-tards.  
**JayTay21:** Now we're "Temp-Tards"? What is that like "Re-TARDS"?  
**KalaMonkira:** The nickname is unnecessary, first of all, however it is fitting considering that, that is what you have done to society on Earth: Retarded the Progress of the people.  
**Samara:** I have been conflicted, and I have meditated on which side resonates with me the most in this little war. I have viewed the records and weighed the pros and cons. I have decided that the Assassins are right in the matter. Freedom is something all people are born with, and it should not be taken away for any reason. If there are bad people, then they are damning themselves. I most assuredly will find and kill them. However, I realize that without bad, you cannot recognize what "good" is and vice versa. The only true way to exterminate "bad" is to exterminate all that is good, so that you cannot tell the difference any longer. You will have no perception of "bad" because there is no good to counteract it. The Templars seek the destruction of evil by taking away what we commonly view as "good" in an effort to prevent the "bad-apples" from corrupting it. This is a petty, immature way of handling problems.  
**MiriLawXO:** How is it "Petty and Immature!?"  
**Samara:** Free Will is like Fire. Vital to civilization's dawn, and useful for a wide array of things. However Fire has burned down forests, destroyed buildings, and claimed the lives of millions over all histories. Free Will has driven people to do horrid things with their lives, but allows us choice, and the good men and women of the Galaxy have often chosen to do beautiful things with their lives.  
**MiriLawXO:** Your point?  
**Samara:** Should we eradicate fire simply because of the downsides, even when it has done so much for us?  
**MiriLawXO:** …  
**SheplooN7:** Pwned. OwO  
**PsychoticBiotic:** Oh My God, that was too precious a moment to give up. The Cheerleader finally getting knocked down a ****in' peg!

**TuffStuff:** Your story's a load of it, Clarke.  
**EagleClaw88:** I was telling the truth.  
**HoneyBunch:** Sure you were.  
**l337Sk33lz:** If you were, it means you scare strippers and stab things for a living.  
**TuffStuff:** ^ This.  
**NoviceAsari:** I'll admit I got curious and checked the records. He actually was on that assignment in 2182, only another Assassin accompanied him. He didn't do smack though. Funny, because he outranked Alex at the time.  
**EagleClaw88:** He ended up getting killed the very next mission he went on. I'm not sad about it or anything. He friggin' died in the WORST WAY POSSIBLE.  
**T00chankan42:** What, fresh-meat for the Varrens?  
**EagleClaw88:** Maybe… o.O

**_END TRANSCRIPTS 4/14/14_**


	3. Chapter 3

4/21/14

**IruleThisPlace:** Hey, Tali, while we're here on Omega, can I get anything for you?  
**FlotillaGurl:** Aww, Lora you are so sweet. YES, I do need some parts for the Drive Core. We're working on some upgrades for the mission, and it turns out there are some things that can only be purchased on Omega black-markets!  
**IruleThisPlace:** Great! Just send me the list!  
**GreatScot:** Got the list. Sending it to you.  
**EngineGal22:** Checking that attachment… okay. It's clean.  
**IruleThisPlace:** LOL. Trust Issuuuueees.  
**SilenceisGolden:** I'll say. xD  
**Archangel42:** There are some things I could use to help with the Thanix Cannon. Here are the following parts.  
**IruleThisPlace:** \ (^o^) /  
**FreddyCorado:** Dat Emoticon.  
**SilenceisGolden:** KAWAIĪ DESU!  
**NoviceAsari:** Uuuuuuhhhhhhh….  
**GoodDoctor:** "Is Cute"  
**l337Sk33lz:** Neat. :7

**SheplooN7:** Anybody want to go to Omega for Shore-Leave?  
**FemShepN7:** Why the heck not?  
**ScientistSalarian:** Finished a project. Would like to visit clinic. Check the progress of the Plague-Victims.  
**Kalamonkira:** I would also like to make an appearance at the Omega Chapter. There is a den currently under attack by Blood-Pack mercenaries "in need" of a new outpost. I would like to push them out.  
**EagleClaw88:** Granted. Take Freddy and Lora with you. Maybe Eleria for Biotic-Support.  
**FreddyCorado:** I'M AN * ADEPT *. SHE'S A SENTINEL.  
**EagleClaw88:** Ah, but she is a VALKYRIE, well, pretty much. She's also a natural, biotic, Frederico. I'm not trashing your abilities, but you have some work to do. You were only given all of the implants when you first joined the Brotherhood which was…. A year ago?  
**FemShepN7:** Musta been a huge influx of novices in 2184. Shame I wasn't a unique grab -  
**Nightblade1337:** Oh no you were. C:

**L2Alenko:** Anybody notice that we have a bigass amount of Biotics on this team?  
**TuffStuff:** Srsly?  
**EDI:** Sifting through the roster…  
**EDI:** John Shepard. Jane Shepard. Miranda Lawson. Jacob Taylor. Kaidan Alenko. Thane Krios. Jack. Urdnot Wrex. Frederico Corado. Samara. Eleria T'Geya. Alexander Clarke.  
**DogeSquadLeader:** Very Biotic. Many Warps. So Amaze. Wow.

**LoneSurvivor:** Hey, Alex, question: Why do you eat so god**** much?  
**EagleClaw88:** Prawblum, Officer?  
**LoneSurvivor:** Yeah, Problem. With the amount of food you inhale you wouldn't be fit for this mission. -_-  
**L2Alenko:** Dumb***.  
**SheplooN7:** ^this  
**LoneSurvivor:** THE HELL DID I DO?  
**GoodDoctor:** You didn't ask me before insulting Mr. Clarke, nor did you ask Mordin, who probably may know more than I do. ^^^ L2Alenko.  
**EagleClaw88:** Alliance-Standard rations for NCs (Non-Combatants) is 3000 calories per day. Anybody biotic must receive +1500 on top of the normal Daily-Value. So… I need 4500 calories a day. 5000 if a day is particularly energy-draining.  
**SmartAleck:** Oh God. That's… I don't know what to say to that.

**Nightblade1337:** Hey, Alex, can I talk to you in my Cabin?  
**EagleClaw88:** I'm currently busy. Workin' out with Jacob in the armory. We can exchange Private-Messages however.  
**Nightblade1337 (TO: EagleClaw88):** I got an email… from Palaven.  
**EagleClaw88 (TO: Nightblade1337):** That's not a good sign…  
**Nightblade1337 (TO: EagleClaw88):** My mother wants to speak with me. Reconciliation.  
**EagleClaw88 (TO: Nightblade1337):** I… that's great news. Should I come with?  
**Nightblade1337 (TO: EagleClaw88):** No. She's still iffy about Humans. I don't think your being there would help a whole lot. I only have one chance at this, baby.  
**EagleClaw88 (TO: Nightblade1337):** Alright. Have a nice trip. Good luck, honey. I love you with all of my heart :,)  
**Nightblade1337 (TO: EagleClaw88):** :,) I love you too.

**L2Alenko:** Shepard. I found my father. Not Mercenaries… Templars.  
**EagleClaw88:** Busy in the Animus.  
**MiriLawXO:** Ain't nobody got time fo dat.  
**DogSquadLeader:** I'll go. I'm dragging Garrus along. Go get Tali and Wrex. Jane will go, imaginably, given that Garrus is coming with.  
**FemShepN7:** My Favorite Turian… 3  
**Archangel42:** Please not on the Chat-Board…  
**T00chankan42:** I was just now made aware of the Relationship Swap. Wth is wrong with me?  
**PilotMoreau50:** My fault. I forgot to get you up to speed on the latest gossip: I play video games and post to the Extranet, Jane dumped Kaidan for Garrus, John dumped Ashley for Tali, Alexander has legendary ancestors who made contact with Precursors of Humanity, Kairee left for Palaven to go chat with her disowning mother… etc.

**LoneSurvivor:** Somebody snagged me a pic of Kairee's mum. She's rather beautiful, so I know where Kairee gets it from… although her mum's rather plump for a Turian woman.  
**PsychoticBiotic:** AHAAHAHAA. OH MY GOD LET ME SEE THAT PICTURE.  
**PsychoticBiotic:** She's a f**kin'Space-Cow. xD  
**GreatScot:** Hey, that might be a bit O' an exaggeration.  
**JayTay21:** So you do have a heart, Tin-Man… :1  
**KellyYeoman:** She's only a little chubby, Jack. Blame the stress eating, because… I flipped through all the dossiers on Kairee and it says that "Coracia" lost her husband to humans angry about the First-Contact War, and was heartbroken when Kairee got involved in the death of Tonen Lithos on Oma Ker. To her, not only did Kairee betray her AND herself, but she betrayed the entire Hierarchy. She couldn't bear it and disowned her. A part of me thinks that she can hardly live with the guilt of doing that. The poor sweety… :,(

**SilenceisGolden:** Hey Thane. Thane. Thane. Thane, guess what? Thane. Guess. Guess Thane.  
**KalaMonkira:** What is it, Kasumi?  
**SilenceisGolden:** Tag. :3  
**KalaMonkira:** Thus begins another game of Tag aboard the Normandy. Watch your back, young one…  
**FreddyCorado:** Joining in. If I can catch you three times, you have to pay me back, and double what you stole from me back on Horizon.  
**SilenceisGolden:** Fien. But if you can't… You have to spend the entire next Shore Leave carrying Lora on your shoulders.  
**FreddyCorado:** Leave my girlfriend out of this, Kasumi.  
**IruleThisPlace:** Hrm… you carrying me wherever? Sounds like it could work… muahahaha…

**L2Alenko:** So my dad is being held hostage at the Tez'akim Archaeological Digsite on SUR'KESH?  
**FreddyCorado:** YOU SAID HE WOULDN'T FREAK OUT O_O  
**IruleThisPlace:** I maaay have lied… :c  
**SheplooN7:** Well, we have the old crew together. Let's head down there and kill some Templars.  
**EagleClaw88:** Sorry I can't come with. I "absolutely HAVE to" use the Animus according to the Cerb cheerleader. I'll agree that we've been stalling for too long but this is ridiculous.

**DogSquadLeader:** THAT WAS AWESOME!  
**T00chankan42:** Heh. Just like old times, Shepards. We should do this more often. (:  
**NoviceAsari:** Your smiley face, real-life-wise, looks more like this, in my opinion: :]  
**T00chankan42:** …true. :]  
**IAMKROGAN:** :]  
**SheplooN7:** :]  
**PilotMorea50:** :]  
**SilenceisGolden:** :]  
**FemShepN7:** :]  
**DogSquadLeader:** :]  
**L2Alenko:** :]  
**Archangel42:** :]  
**FlotillaGurl:** :]

**MiriLawXO:** That was a freaky Animus Session…  
**GreatScot:** Ooh, skipping to "those" memories are we?  
**ScientistSalarian:** Normally doesn't let emotions sway opinion. Will make lone exception now. Shut Up. -_-  
**EagleClaw88:** Nah. I think we literally caught Desmond's run-through of Ezio Auditore in Constantinople. We actually broke a code from 173 years into the future and sent it back to 2012 at FTL speeds. **#TimeRape **  
**FreddyCorado:** Huehuehue… once this baby reaches 88 miles per hour…  
**FemShepN7:** I LOVE THAT MOVIE  
**SheplooN7:** Hey, Tali, next time you throw a slumber party, instead of watching Fleet and Flotilla, perhaps you should let Jane pick the vid.  
**FlotillaGurl:** But… but… FaF 4ever…  
**FemShepN7:** If you're so hooked on Fleet and Flotilla, you will absolutely ADORE "The Princess Bride", or "TITANIC".  
**KalaMonkira:** I recall viewing "The Princess Bride" back in Brotherhood Training. I was a Footpad at the time. I believe "Ariel Daniels", then Veteran, invited us to a screening, Alexander?  
**EagleClaw88:** Oh yeah! I remember that! The VERY NEXT mission you went on, you killed this Templar "Lord", I can't remember his name. Real tall, overweight for even an Elcor's standards. You knelt down in front of him and whispered "Rest well, and dream of large women", directly quoting Westley when he downed Fezzik…  
**FemShepN7:** I pretty much died laughing when I first heard that line.

**EDI:** [CURRENT EVENTS UPDATE]: Make Merry and Prepare! The Turian Heirarchy celebrates the impending wedding of well-respected Executor.  
**EagleClaw88:** Awwwww, this is just like that Royal Wedding back in the early 2000s! Is it gonna be televised?  
**EDI:** Indeed. Searching the Extranet for leaked images.  
**EagleClaw88:** That's… that's Grand-Master Orentos Arion… AKA 40 Year Old Virgin and Templar Grand-Master for the Turian Clan… meh, everybody's got a right to happy marriage. Who's the "lucky" lady?  
**PilotMoreau50:** Lemme see that… ooooohhhhhhhh….ooooOOOOOOHHHH SHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII… ALEX YOU AREN'T GOING TO LIKE THIS….  
**EagleClaw88:** What? Okay, what are you and EDI hiding?  
**SheplooN7:** Alexander, lean back. Rupert go get him a doggy-bag.  
**EDI:** The Identity of the Bride was leaked by Turian Journalists when Orentos' tongue slipped and he gave a name: Kairee Antar.  
**EagleClaw88:** lol… this has to be a prank…  
**FemShepN7:** Dude these pics are legit…  
**EagleClaw88:** …no. No, no. No, no, NO, NO. NO, NAH. NUH-UH. NOPE, NO, NO, N-HELL NO. NO! NO! I REFUSE T- NO… HEEEELLLLL NOOOOO.  
**1ManArmy:** He just filled the bag… o_o  
**TuffStuff:** Gardner, your cooking was already hellbent on making somebody do that, standalone. Couple that with the nuclear bombshell that they just dropped and I'm surprised he didn't pass out or have a cardiac arrest.  
**1ManArmy:** I resent that comment, Hawthorne.  
**PsychoticBiotic:** Peh. Kairee's probably getting herself into these incidents on purpose. Playing the Damsel in Distress type. _  
**FemShepN7:** THAT IS NOT TRUE AND YOU KNOW IT!  
**PsychoticBiotic:** Shepard, she gets captured all the time! Face it, Alexander gets his kicks on playing the Prince!  
**EagleClaw88:** Shut. Up. If anybody is the distressed one, it's me. You wanna know something, *****?  
**PsychoticBiotic:** ENLIGHTEN ME.  
**EagleClaw88:** I already * know * that Kairee can get herself out of most problems that "she gets into". The reason I "ride in like Prince Charming" is not because I am some braveheart looking to prove myself, it is because I am absolutely terrified by the thought of * losing * her! She * means EVERYTHING to me! * EVERYTHING.  
**EagleClaw88:** So SHUT UP about her being the weak one. Maybe you should point your ink-soaked finger at me, and then come test my "weakness". Get me angry… and you will have written your Death-Warrant in your own blood so help me GOD.  
**PilotMoreau50:** Oh damn….  
**Archangel42:** Hey, Alex. Meet me in the Main Battery. I can give you some tips about this whole thing.  
**EDI:** Note that the event will be Televised and broadcasted across Palaven and on Premium Channels at the Citadel and other regions of Council-Space. It will be unavailable in the Terminus, Attican Traverse, or Earth Alliance Space.  
**EagleClaw88:** Thanx. So now I can watch my first love get married off to some dude twice her age in High Definition. ;-;  
**HoneyBunch:** Wait, LOL. She's your first girlfriend!?  
**EagleClaw88:** No, but she is the only person that I have loved to such a degree. I mean, I went to Prom you know, but we both knew it was a temporary sort of thing. It was HIGH SCHOOL.  
**HoneyBunch:** Aaahhh, okay.  
**EagleClaw88:** She uhh… may also be the woman I gave my First Kiss to….  
**KellyYeoman:** AAAAAWWWWWWWWWW! 3 3 3  
**EagleClaw88:** And because Arion is a Grand-Master… I'm especially going to enjoy ripping him apart, plate by plate.  
**MiriLawXO:** I have the strangest feeling that I know exactly who's behind all of this…  
**EDI:** **[ACCOUNT SUSPENSION FOR: MiriLawXO. 5 Days] **  
**JayTay21:** WHOA WTF?!  
**EDI:** It was a necessary precaution.  
**PilotMoreau50:** OH GOD IT'S STARTING!  
**EDI:** Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do! I'm half crazy, all for the love of you!  
**L2Alenko:** NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…  
**SheplooN7:** WAAAAYYYYYYYYYYY IN HEEEELLLLLLLLL…  
**EDI:** That was a joke.  
**DogSquadLeader:** Okay can we ban _her? _  
**JayTay21:** Seconded!  
**LoneSurvivor:** This takes me way back… dilapidated scientific facility on a Garden World. It was just me, this young lass with a weird looking gun, and some odd tech. This rogue VI was running the show, but got put into this potato clock… some absolutely stupid VI took over the former's body and started ****ing things up, while the former accompanied us through the facility to defeat the latter VI… Though the girl and I were the only ones to make it out alive… Although come to think of it, I remember hearing somebody singing as I left. "I'm Still Aliiiiive," or something. Freakiest **** I've ever gotten myself into…  
**PsychoticBiotic:** You had me up until you lost me Potato…  
**L2Alenko:** put into a potato clock.  
**L2Alenko:** potato clock.  
**L2Alenko:** POTATO.  
**PilotMoreau50:** Heeeyyy, Chakwaaaas… is he off his meds again?  
**GoodDoctor:** He was never on any to start with?


End file.
